Denied

It must have been completely devastating. They’d given up everything to follow their master, and now it was all over. He was arrested, and they’d all run away; well, all except Peter. Peter had said he would follow, and he did. But even Peter failed at the crucial moment. Alone and afraid, he had denied knowing Jesus; denied knowing the most important person in his life. In so doing, he had missed being there for his master; missed the result of the trial, although that had been a foregone conclusion. They had given up all they had, lived more in those three years than ever before – and now it was over. Could they really go back to fishing? They felt overwhelmed. They had failed their master in his last moments. They knew Jesus was dead … they just could not quite bring themselves to separate and acknowledge that this was the end. They huddled together in Jerusalem, waiting for who knew what?

We know what they were waiting for; we know the end of the story. How much difference does this make as we approach Holy Week, and the events we commemorate then? We are not living them as the disciples were, but does our familiarity with the gospel narratives mean that we have become accustomed to the story, that we know what happens, and therefore limit our exposure and response, whether deliberately or not? Are there ways in which we can expose ourselves more, and maybe respond in a deeper way than we might otherwise have done? Dare we?

Why did the disciples behave as they did? The ten who ran away had been through a stressful time. They were tired and anxious, and had then woken to find Jesus surrounded by guards, seemingly brought by Judas, one of their own. Confused, hurt, and totally unused to these situations, they ran. Had they known what would happen? Had they taken on board Jesus’ warnings? Or were they still expecting some sort of triumphal scene? Whichever, they ran. To save their lives? Out of instinct? We don’t know, we are not told. But we know they ran and left Jesus to his fate.

Peter did not run. He had said he would follow the Master even to death, and he would. He followed Jesus and his guards to the High Priest’s house. But he was alone and cold; he drew near to the fire, wanting some warmth, and possibly to hide himself amongst the crowd, rather than hanging back in a corner. He was out of his comfort zone: upset, scared and anxious – and also unprepared. Like the other disciples, he had fallen asleep, and had not had that time in prayer that Jesus had. He may well have thought that he could huddle amongst the crowd unnoticed, and had not expected to be questioned. He would follow Jesus wherever he would go … but was not ready for where it would take him. That first denial might have slipped out unthought; an instinctive answer to a dangerous question. Once it had, he was trapped; he either admitted he had lied or else he continued to deny Jesus. He did the latter and, as the cock crowed, turned away in tears.

What of Judas? Whatever had prompted the betrayal, he had spent three years following Jesus; he, too, had given up everything to follow this man. Presumably, he was serious in his discipleship; presumably he, along with the other disciples, thought Jesus was the messiah. Had Jesus deviated too far from Judas’ ideas of what that messiah-ship should entail? Was he, as John’s gospel tells us, a thief? (see John 12). We can speculate, but we do not know.  

It matters less what the motivations of all these people were, but more about how aware we are of our own tendencies to run away, to deny or betray Jesus. For we, too, can follow the path the disciples took that night, although, by becoming aware of how we do this, we can deepen our own commitment. This will involve prayer: it strikes me that Peter and the other disciples fell asleep, rather than praying. Would they have reacted differently if they had spent that time in prayer? But it will also involve being merciful towards ourselves for our failures. Peter was forgiven his denial, and continued to follow Jesus, eventually following to his own death. The other ten disciples were also forgiven, and gave themselves to preaching and teaching. All of them may well have been stronger followers for their failures during Jesus’ trial and crucifixion. All of them are the foundations stones of our Church. 

What would have happened had the disciples stood by Jesus? Would they have been crucified with him? What would have happened to the early church if their leaders had all died before it began? It is worth bearing in mind that God’s view of success and failure may well be very different to our own. Sometimes running may be the best option; and, even if it is not, I suspect God is less interested in our disappearance than in our returning, and will always be waiting for us with open arms.