Convicted

Anyperson knew they were horrible and stupid. They had struggled with feelings of hate and shame towards themselves for years. So when it occurred to them that just because they felt that they were horrible, it did not mean that they actually were horrible, it was a revelation. They realised that they could be wrong about themselves. It did not take away all the hate and shame, but it eliminated a great part of it. As time went on, they came to have a new view about their idea that they were horrible. It struck them that maybe it was true. Not wholly; not in a way that totally defined them; not in a way associated with all those hate-filled, shameful feelings. But still: on occasions they were, and could be, horrible. Sometimes, they could be stupid. It even said so in the Bible (see Romans 3:23, for all have sinned …).  It was a fact of life that human beings could act in ways that were horrible or stupid. Anyperson could see that they were no exception to this, but all those feelings of hate, shame and guilt had got in the way of truly seeing that. Moreover, it meant that they couldn’t see properly what God had done for them through Jesus. It meant that they were always struggling to feel good about themselves, snatching at any affirmation from others, rather than seeing who God truly was. All those negative feelings towards themselves had also distorted their view of God. They had not been able to see who God truly was, or accept that they were loved by God. It focused themselves totally on self, and took them further away from God. Relinquishing some of the shame and guilt enabled them to truly perceive something of their own sinfulness. To accept that sinfulness, but also to accept God’s forgiveness, and to allow that to turn their focus gradually away from self and towards God. For, ultimately, that was what it was all about. It was never about whether they were horrible or sinful or not. It certainly was never about all those feelings of hate and shame. It was about God, and God’s glory, and the spread of God’s kingdom. Anyperson knew that they were still running the race, and were very far from the finish line. But they felt that, at last, they knew what the race was about, where the end was. The end was always in God.

There is a difference between being condemned and being convicted of sin. Condemnation involves many of those negative feelings that Anyperson felt; conviction is a realisation, a knowledge, that you have done wrong. Whether a specific conviction of a very specific sin, or a conviction that you are a sinner. The problem is that, often, we confuse condemnation with conviction. We struggle with feelings of guilt or shame, and assume that God would have us deal with those feelings as a consequence of our sinfulness. Probably without examining it very closely. Why would a God of love want us to feel all that? Especially if, as with Anyperson, those feelings actually take us further from God rather than closer. It might be worth pondering that.

Think about that word ‘sin’ and that you are a ‘sinner’. How does it make you feel? Anyperson, at first, would have felt all that caught up very much with their feelings of hate and shame towards themselves. It would not have occurred to them that this was not what the Gospel was about; that Jesus did not come to make them hate themselves more. They would not have put it that crudely; put like that, of course Jesus did not come for that. But those feelings complicated the issue, and their faith was caught up with that. It is very probable that, however unlikely, that may have been what they thought deep down, for all their lip service to the God of love. I’m not sure that, at this stage, Anyperson would have realised what being convicted of sin felt like. It was too far removed from their own experience. But, of course, their own experience focused them far more closely on themselves than on God. Totally the wrong way round.

It was only when Anyperson could let go of many of those hateful, shameful feelings that they began to see what being a ‘sinner’ truly was, and what being convicted of sin actually meant. Letting go of those feelings can be hard to do, and it is not always possible, certainly not without help. Nevertheless, once Anyperson could, then they could accept that they were a sinner: a forgiven sinner, but still a sinner. It was only then that they could see how much of their life had been focused on themselves, and not on God – and, hopefully, start to change that. To truly start to accept not only their own sinfulness, but also that they were forgiven – and so were others around them. To begin to change their world view from one focused on themselves to one focused more and more on God; from one that used God in their own service, even if they had not seen it that way, to one that placed themselves at the service of God. A change that is worth pondering on for ourselves. How far do we view God as in service of ourself, and how far do we see ourselves as in service to God? We are all still on that journey, so it is likely to be a bit of both. Can we come, as Anyperson came, to the point where we can kneel at the foot of the cross, start to relinquish those negative feelings, and accept that we mess up; accept the specific ways that we mess up. Can we allow our God to convict us of sin and, in that conviction, forgive us and draw us on? A conviction that may have to come daily, hourly, more often; but one that will always bring with it not only repentance but also the loving forgiveness of God.