Belonging

Most of us have various different groupings to which we belong. Family, work, friends. Then there are other organisations, which may well represent our interests more accurately: RSPB, football season ticket holder, local dancing club, running group, mother’s union, golf club … the list could go on. Then, of course, there are faith groups. Many of us may officially belong to whichever faith we believe in, having made a public declaration, however that looks like in our particular group, and probably filled in whatever forms are necessary to belong to our local worshipping group. Others may believe, but stay more on the outskirts, or be hovering there before taking a more public step.

Belonging can be complicated, however, as many of us may recognise. Families can be complex, and the family we most identify with will change as we grow older. We may or may not wish to ‘belong’ to our work, and the precise nature of that belonging can depend on the organisation.  Cliques can reject people who officially ‘belong’, and bullying can make belonging a nightmare. Those groups to which we choose to belong, we can leave if we wish .. or can we? It can depend on the group: maybe the group is small, and we feel reluctant to leave, or maybe there is pressure to stay for one reason or another. It’s not always that easy.

Getting to the point where we do belong can be difficult also. Not all groups are easy to join; even those that make joining simple, we may find it not at all easy to truly belong. If there is an ‘in’ group, those that are not part of it may feel rejected.  This may make recruiting new members more difficult, unless there is an ‘in’ group and an ‘out’ group – which may make for a very uncomfortable belonging to the whole. There can also be unwritten rules, which the unwary newcomer may trespass, or which may be difficult to comprehend; learning to navigate belonging to a new group can be problematic. Of course, it’s not always difficult, and belonging can give us great joy. Groups can devise ways to make it easier for a newcomer; other groups may be more variable, and so some of the potential problems are bypassed. In some cases, the hard work needed to get on with other people can lead to a greater sense of belonging, as well as teaching us much about ourselves.

Why do we want to belong? Motives may well be different depending on the person and the group. If we belong to the RSPB, for instance, we are presumably interested in birds; we may want to meet other people with similar interests, or we may be more focussed on birdwatching, and less about other members. We might want to belong because it gives us a sense of identity, a sense of well-being. Belonging is important to us, and it’s part of what makes us human. It’s good, in essence; we are called into community, and belonging is part of that. Ultimately, we all belong: we are all children of God, we are all beloved of God, and that is where our foundation belonging lies.

Nevertheless, it is good to have other forms of belonging. When that belonging works, it can enhance our lives and the lives of all those who belong. When it doesn’t, it can be disastrous. How to get it right?  Well, we probably can’t all the time. But we can attempt to make it better. I’m not going to give expert ways on how to do this, as I’m not an expert. But maybe there are a few points to ponder that I may have picked up along the way.

Firstly, does our belonging interfere with other people’s? How? Does our belonging insist on the exclusion of others? This can be a very powerful, but ultimately not very safe way of belonging. If we belong more because someone else doesn’t, then what will happen if we become the someone else? Moreover, we do have to work hard exclude others, which may have damaging effects on both them and ourselves. It is true that most groups have rules of membership, but that is not what I am talking about. Nor am I talking about appropriate boundaries between differing groups. Both are important and necessary. It is more about how we feel we belong, and whether that is ‘I belong because you don’t’.

Another point to ponder might be about how we encourage newcomers or visitors to our groups. Do we make it easy or difficult? Do we welcome them or exclude them? Do we even realise we are excluding them? We may be so busy talking to those we know at coffee after church, for example, that we haven’t even seen the visitor or new member leave without anyone talking to them. Equally, it could be a bit intimidating if the entire church wants to talk to you at coffee, so as not to leave you out! It’s striking the balance between the two, and not leaving the responsibility of encouraging new members on just one or two people.

I think for me it comes back to that point about our ultimate belonging lying with God. We are God’s beloved children and, if we can rest secure in that (easier said than done, I know), all the other ‘belongings’ in our life can flow from there. It may not mean we get it right every time, but it may help make us more aware of how our belonging impacts on others, who are also beloved children of God.